Lots of people have commented about how "well" I am doing and "Put together" I am. I don't want to give anyone the wrong idea. Just because I don't go out into public like a crying mess doesn't mean I'm not dying inside. I don't think there is a moment that goes by that I don't think of Jake. I wish I could hold him, smell him, have him hold my hand, watch his eyes look at me, see him suck on his pacifier, listen to him scream because I laid him down after holding him for 2 hours, and see how he loved to have his hands up by his face grabbing onto any tube that might be taped on.
I also think about everyday life. If I'm at the grocery store I think of how I should have a baby carrier in there preventing me from being able to buy lots of food, how my carpool of kids shouldn't fit because Jake's car seat would have made 1 too many kids, I wish I was tired in the morning from being up every 3 hours feeding him, instead of tired because I couldn't sleep. There are lots of things I wish for and dream about. I know they will happen one day, but I am very impatient at waiting. I went to the temple for the first time since Jake passed away and I felt a great deal of peace there and I am very glad I went. I cling to that peace.
I got Jake's birth certificates 2 weeks ago and I was happy. Today I got his death certificates and I could barely make it out of the room before I burst into tears. I don't know why it was so hard, but it looks so official and real. It makes me sad to see all of the details of his death on legal paper. I hate it.
I visited his grave today and it broke my heart that the vase was empty. All it had was his marker and an empty vase. Luckily, I brought some things with me, but I hate the feeling that it is so lonely around his grave. I like the balloons and colors. The way a baby's grave should be.
Anyways, there are lots of thoughts here that I really haven't shared with many, but thought that I should, plus, I have been thinking about Jake a LOT more today.
16 comments:
Oh how I second every single word you wrote!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am happy on the outside but inside every time I see a baby, a pregnant woman, sweet dresses in the store, diapers...whatever it is baby related, I want that for myself and feel cheated or ask how come I don't get to experience that now?????? Ugh, I am not one to be jealous or envious but somedays I can't help it!
I'm so sorry. I am feeling down myself a little and you made me realize how completely selfish i am being. I am tired of doctors and i am scared to death for the future but at least i am not grieving the way you poor moms are. I am so sorry and thanks for making me stop and think.
"the way a baby's grave should..." That stopped me. The word should and baby and grave. They just don't go right together. In all the world we think we have all the answers. Science and technology are so advanced. But when we finally can stop having graves for babies, for little children, then I might think we're onto something. ((Hugs)). I agree with that loneliness in the cemetery. I just went out and got some bright fake flowers for Dominic and Bridget. But I resented buying something for the cemetery in the heartsick kind of resenting way. I'm sorry.
Wow, life is hard! Hang in there!
so sorry friend! i can't even begin to imagine! what a handsome boy!
At times like these, there is no right thing to say. A precious loss has been experienced and my heart aches for you Liz! How I wish there were a way to reverse this. I love this picture and how his little eyes peek out. Sending hugs.
Oh Liz, My heart breaks for you :( I in no way can I understand your pain, But I lost a baby boy when I was 5 months along, about 20 years ago, and I still to this day see the kids of the women I was pregnant with at the same time and wonder what my boy would be doing, some of them are on missions now and I think mine would be on a mission....The pain NEVER goes away, but time is a comforter and the blessing we have that we are eternal families and we will be together someday helps.... But you need to have those "Jake" days and just think of him and be with him and don't feel guilty when you do.... You've taken your pain and turned it into a positive that helps others and because of that I'm sure Heavenly Father is pleased... as is Jake. See you soon, Netso
Oh, Liz. I am so sad to know that you are sad. I'm sorry it's hard. I still feel sort of the same about my dad. I'm still having a hard time with it, but it will get better. It takes time. And who says that that time is today or tomorrow.
Lows are low and highs are high. Nothing will make you not miss him but things sure make you hug and love your other angels so much more. Hopefully you can see that as a blessing. Sending hugs.
Shelley Richins Nevin
I'm glad you did this post. You make me feel more normal, everyday I think the same things. I've promised my self never again would I complain about being up in the middle of the night with a child, NEVER! It's a blessing to be tired, worn out, and run down after taking care of child!
I've found that the temple is the closes I can get to the feeling I felt in Jersey's room that early Monday morning. Perhaps this is wrong, but never have I felt more of heaven then I did her angel morning, not even the temple matches those amazing feelings, that sacred experience. It's close, but not as strong. Not tangible like it almost was in her room. I feel like that morning room 14 was just as sacred as any celestial room in any temple.
Isn't is "funny" how we can be dying inside and yet "look" so put together. I just barely started wearing make up again.... it has been almost 10 months. I would just usually cry it off, so I didn't see the point. Now you will see me with mascara streaks. I am so sorry Liz. I wish that I could take away your pain and add it to mine. It just isn't fair. Not at all.
Liz-I'm glad that you shared your feelings. It's ok to not be "fine". It's ok to be "crappy". It's ok to cry. You don't have to put on a brave face. We're all here for you...always and forever. Anytime you need me...I am here.
I am so sorry. I never have the right words to express how my heart aches for you. I often wonder WHY... why Owen is here and so many of his little heart friends didn't make it. Why his heart is barely pumping but he is happy, active and doing great at home. I cherish every moment, hold on to every memory.. just like you did with Jake. Your time was short.. too short.. but you hold it in your heart FOREVER!!
I've prayed for you and will continue as you will never "get over" the loss of your sweet Jake.
I love you Liz and appreciate how strong you are, but it is okay to cry because sometimes that is all you need. A good cry. Thanks again for coming to the blessing and helping with the luncheon. You are so wonderful!
I too wish I could take away your pain and sorrow Liz because I know that it hurts so very bad, but I can not. Just know that you are so normal with your feelings and have every right to feel them. We are going on 9 months since Eden's angel day and I still have those feelings and still think about her ever second of every day. I know just like Heidi said though that the temple is where I feel closest to her and where it feels almost like it did that night she passed. It was such a heartbreaking experience, but at the same time it was the most spiritual experience of my life and it was like I could touch the spirit. I am sorry we have to look "put together" for others when we are really aching inside, but the truth is that most will never understand and words just can not explain.
I hope and pray that you and your family will feel Jake's spirit close to you and that the Lord will comfort you.
Keisa
Hi Liz, you probably don't remember me. I was friends with Denise in high school. I saw your blog on hers and thought I would see how you were. I don't know right words to say, but I am so sorry to hear of your loss. That is the most precious picture of you and your sweet baby. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
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