I'm Sad.....

Lots of people have commented about how "well" I am doing and "Put together" I am. I don't want to give anyone the wrong idea. Just because I don't go out into public like a crying mess doesn't mean I'm not dying inside. I don't think there is a moment that goes by that I don't think of Jake. I wish I could hold him, smell him, have him hold my hand, watch his eyes look at me, see him suck on his pacifier, listen to him scream because I laid him down after holding him for 2 hours, and see how he loved to have his hands up by his face grabbing onto any tube that might be taped on.

I also think about everyday life. If I'm at the grocery store I think of how I should have a baby carrier in there preventing me from being able to buy lots of food, how my carpool of kids shouldn't fit because Jake's car seat would have made 1 too many kids, I wish I was tired in the morning from being up every 3 hours feeding him, instead of tired because I couldn't sleep. There are lots of things I wish for and dream about. I know they will happen one day, but I am very impatient at waiting. I went to the temple for the first time since Jake passed away and I felt a great deal of peace there and I am very glad I went. I cling to that peace.

I got Jake's birth certificates 2 weeks ago and I was happy. Today I got his death certificates and I could barely make it out of the room before I burst into tears. I don't know why it was so hard, but it looks so official and real. It makes me sad to see all of the details of his death on legal paper. I hate it.

I visited his grave today and it broke my heart that the vase was empty. All it had was his marker and an empty vase. Luckily, I brought some things with me, but I hate the feeling that it is so lonely around his grave. I like the balloons and colors. The way a baby's grave should be.

Anyways, there are lots of thoughts here that I really haven't shared with many, but thought that I should, plus, I have been thinking about Jake a LOT more today.

My sweet baby Jake, I love you!!

Cooking??? What is cooking???

Hi everyone, I need a BIG favor from all of you!!! So, now that I am not working I don't have any real reasons not to cook. Tyler, is the BEST cook ever, but I can't expect him to cook everyday, after working all day too!! So, I am needing you to all give me your EASY dinners/meals. Remember, I'm not a cook, Tyler is, so they need to be easy. I can make spaghetti, fettucine alfredo, bean burritos, scones and chicken and rice (bland, but if you have a twist, please share!), but those are easy and kind of boring. Please give me your best, EASIEST recipes. I don't want to be in the kitchen cooking all afternoon, so please make it something pretty easy to throw together. Sorry, there are lots of stipulations!! Haha!! Please help me get some GOOD use out of some adorable aprons!! :)

Haha!!

My little Lexi is SO funny!! I have to record this, since this is my journal.

I was at the computer today and Lexi came up and asked, "Mommy, where does Jake poop?"

Haha!! Wow, I didn't expect that!! I tried to explain (while not laughing), "Well, he is a spirit right now, so he doesn't poop."

She looked confused, then said, "But everyone poops."

I couldn't quite figure out how to answer, so I said, "Well, where do you think Jake poops?"

She responded, "I think he poops in his diaper."
"Perfect!" I responded, "I think you are right!"

Then she asked, "Where does he pee?"

I asked her back, "Where do you think he pees?"
She replied, again, "In his diaper."
"Yup!" I said. It sounds good to me, for now!!

Haha!! Not really a question I thought would come up!! Gotta love Lexi!!

Soccer Time!

Our Ward/neighborhood got together to do a soccer season for all of the 6-7 yr olds and Maddie and Payton LOVED it!! They practiced once a week and games were on Saturday morning, and it all occured in our greenbelt! It was GREAT!! Thanks to Anna and Chrissy for putting it all together and for the husbands that were fantastic coaches! Maybe we can do it again in the fall!!

Payton scored a goal during the last game!! His first one! Go PAYTON!!

Maddie was the goalie during the last game and said it was pretty boring. Can you tell? (By the way, she isn't picking her nose, she is biting her fingernails. Honest!)

The great soccer players!

Maddie was so excited to get a trophy! It is her first one, EVER!! (She usually does dance, and you don't get a trophy for that!!)

Payton liked the trophy, cause it is his first soccer trophy. He said he would move some of his others to make room! haha!!

Maddie and her BFF Kaeli

The teams and coaches. They were never on the same team, but we had enough kids for 4 teams total!!

Thank you for all the hard work! It was so fun!

Jake

Jake Alan Dennison



Jake Alan Dennison
Was born January 21, 2009
Became our Angel February 9, 2009
Arizona, USA

"While we are mourning the loss of our friend,
others are rejoicing to meet him behind the veil."
-John Taylor

We love you, Baby Jake!
We will see you soon!
Love, Dad, Mom, Maddie, Payton and Lexi

This is from a website called namesinthesand.net They will write anyone's name in the sand and take a beautiful photo for free, as long as they are angels. What a sweet thing for them to do! Jake's looks amazing, as do they all! Check them out!!

I QUIT!!!!

It is FINALLY official!! I am now a full-time, stay-at-home mom!! I have been working for Progressive Insurance for 10 years and yesterday I gave my 2 weeks notice!!
Don't get me wrong, Progressive has been a GREAT company to work for. I started working there 3 months after I got married. I worked there through my bachelors, Tyler's bachelor, The twins, Tyler going to PA school, Lexi being born, and then Jake as well. They were amazing. I have worked both full-time and part-time depending on my family's needs. My supervisors have always been amazing and have all become great friends, and all of my co-workers are so nice as well! The only downfall is that I wasn't home full-time with my family!!

We are finally at a point that I can stay home full-time!! I am so excited. I will miss my friends, but we will keep in touch!! (You all have my blog, so there is no excuse! :)

Here is a photo of my badge. This is what I looked like 10 years ago when I started! I look like a baby!

Thank you, Progressive, for 10 years!!

1 Month

Today marks 1 month since Jake became our angel. Sara, our amazing photographer, sent me the photos about 2 weeks ago, but I haven't had the heart to publish them, but the photos are BEAUTIFUL, and I really loved how they made the day a beautiful day to remember. I really have no regrets from the day.

My amazing sister-in-law, Jenn, made this beautiful entry table of all of Jake's things. It was perfect to show all of the few things we had of Jake's. Thank you, Jenn!!

The viewing was amazing. I don't think we realized how many people we knew, and how many people cared about us and Jake!! It was very touching. Thank you to all those who came!

This is my niece, Kacie. I love this photo

Instead of having the mortuary drive Jake to the cemetery, we chose to take him in our burb. It was the first and last time he would drive in our car, and the only time we were able to drive together as a family!

Tyler was the sole Pall Bearer. It made you realize how small the casket was. Too small.....

After the dedication of the grave, we were given a great idea to let off balloons. My Mom blew up TONS of balloons and brought them to the cemetery. I was told this was going to be my favorite part, and I must say, I LOVED it!!

Baby blue, just like Jake...

These were our 5. I didn't remember that they were together, but they were!!

Everybody watching the balloons. I think this picture is so neat! I did love this part.

All of my kiddos...

..all the girls in my family

Julie, Me and Denise...

This was our nurse, Nicole. She was our nurse for 2 weekends in a row and we LOVED her! She worked the Sunday night before Jake passed and then stayed THE WHOLE DAY following to help us while we said goodbye. She was still there when we left around 8pm Monday night! She was amazing! I love you, Nicole!

This is my new friend, Heidi. She has an Angel Jersey. Heidi and Chris were, and still are, so supportive to our family! This was the first day we had met and we will be forever friends!

My friend, Shelley, made me this beautiful necklace. I love being able to have Jake so close to my heart. She also designed our programs! Thank you, Shelley!

I love my handsome husband! I definately married well!!

These are my nieces. I love this photo!

Thank you to all who shared in Jake's special day. I miss my little guy so much that it hurts, but I love looking back on these photos because it reminds me of the peace I felt that day. I know I will see him again and get to raise him, without the difficulties he had with his body. I cling to that with every fiber of my being. I know he is watching over our family.
I love you, Jake! We will see you soon!

My Dad

I know him as my Dad. My kids call him Grandpa Palmer, neighborhood kids know him as Grandma Treat's husband. He is an amazing man. Growing up, I knew I always wanted to marry a man just like him. He is sweet, loving, logical, strong, handsome and SO caring!!

Today, my Dad is now known has President Palmer. He is the new stake President of the Mesa, Arizona, Maricopa North Stake President. He has been a member of the Stake Presidency for 9 years, serving under President Wright, but today President Wright was released and my dad was called as the stake president. Anyone who is not a member of our church might be confused, but basically, my dad is the head of an area of our church. He helps guide and lead the bishops and members of the stake. This is all voluntary, unpaid, and on top of his full time job, and family work. He does this willingly. Check out this link for more information about our church, and what we believe. I am so proud of my dad and have no doubt that he will be an amazing leader. He always has been! He has an amazing love for all he serves, but especially those less fortunate. He wants to help them and care for them, because he truly loves them.

My dad is amazing. I love him. He was so worried about my Jakey, and about me and my family. He was willing to drop everything and come to the hospital and wait. He also gave me and Tyler some amazing blessings throughout this trial.

I had to post this photo of his hands. They are large, and you can see the scratches from working at the farm. He works hard, but you can see how tender and sweet he is. They have always been a symbol of protection to me. I love my dad's hands!

I want you all to know my testimony. I am SO grateful I was raised in this church. It has been such a blessing to me all of my life. It is the reason I am the person I am today. The way I act, choices I make, and what I want to become all revolve around my belief. I know the church I belong to is true. I am grateful I have had loving parents who have taught me of the church, but have ALWAYS lived it as well. There is no better lessons in life, than those led by example, and my parents have always done that for me. I know my Heavenly Father knows me, my family, and my trials, and LOVES me, no matter what. He wants what is best for me, even when I might not like the trials I have been given, I know He is mindful of them and will help me overcome them. I have heard the saying, the Lord will not give you anything beyond that which you are capable of, which I have always believed. I still believe it, even though I don't know how capable I am to get through this trial. I know I can always turn to the Lord and he will listen and comfort me.

I love my family and the support they have been to me. We were all there today (except my brother that is on a mission). We always have so much fun together, and all of our kids have a GREAT time playing together. We are all best friends and I can hardly wait to be together for eternity! We will have such a great time!

I know I don't talk about my church as much as I should, but if any of you have any questions regarding my beliefs, please ask me. I would love to talk about it, or answer any questions. You can e-mail me edennison78@yahoo.com or call me anytime!!

Congratulations on your new calling, Dad! I love you!!

Thank You!!

Hi Everyone!!

Thank you for the incredible response to Jakey's Blankies! It amazes me to see the response we have received. I think we have enough funds to make at least 100 blankies!! Now we are going to start sewing! We will hopefully start sewing the end of March and April. We will probably have a few different sewing sessions and I will let you know when so you can join us! For all those who still want to donate, don't be discouraged!! We will always accept donations, either via pay pal, or you can still mail a check to my bishop. Here is the info:

You can send the donations to:
Bishop Anderson
Summerfield Ward (Jakey's Blankies)
2791 E Los Alamos Ct

Gilbert, AZ 85295
Make checks payable to: Summerfield Ward

Thank you all so much. You are all so kind and generous. We love you!!

Minky Blankies

I have had a few people ask me where they can buy the minky blankies from, so here is the info!

My amazing friend, Kelly, orders this special material from Los Angeles and is VERY talented at making them. She has TONS of really cute fabric and you can pick and chose your fabrics, or you can buy one pre-made!! She sells these at boutiques, but if you check out her blog and mention you got the info from Jakey's Blankies, she will give you $15 off each blanket!! And, if you don't live locally, she will ship for FREE!!!! These would make GREAT babyshower gifts and so unique too!! They are so soft, I love to sit and cuddle with them! She is so talented and has LOTS of other really cute items! Check them out!!

First Day of School

Well, Lexi is VERY bored at home with just me, so I put her in a preschool through the Town of Gilbert. She was so excited to finally be going to school! She was ready early, and had a lunch packed (I was going to take her to a park after school) and her backpack on! Unfortunately, when we got to the school, it had been cancelled. She was devastated, but I told her we would try on Thurs. Well, Thursday came and she got up all excited, got dressed, packed a lunch, got her backpack on, and we were off again. When we got there it was cancelled AGAIN!!! (I know, I should have been called, but that is a whole different story). Again, she was devastated, but we salvaged the day by going to the park with all of her cousins and having a blast. Finally, on Tuesday, she got up again, packed a lunch, got her backpack on and we were off to preschool. This time I had called ahead, twice, to make sure it wasn't cancelled, but Lexi kept saying, I'm sure it's cancelled, mom, let's just go to the park. Well, it wasn't cancelled (thank goodness), and she finally got to go to school! She loves it and is having a BLAST!!! Woohoo!!

Heart Walk

Saturday was the Heart walk. It is put on by the American Heart Association and this year the St. Joseph's PCTICU (pediatric heart unit) decided to participate. We had LOTS of my family and friends purchase shirts and lots came to walk as well! It was LOTS of fun!

My mom brought a whole bunch of the blue balloons that we had for Jake's funeral. It made it really easy to tell who was with our group.

The Starting line: our heart group got to start the whole walk! (my fam is the area with the blue balloons!

On our backs we had stickers that said: I am walking as a tribute to: BABY JAKE and then we pinned photos of Jake on our backs.

Lexi didn't want her's pinned on her back, but wanted it on her front, and upside down so she could see it!! What a goofball!!

Some of the walkers

(Tanisha, Tyler, Maddie and Carlene)

(My sister, Denise, and neice, Savanna)

(My sister, Julie and my Dad-with the straw hat!)

(Angela, Tanisha, and my bro Aaron and his wife, Rachelle)

At the end of the walk Maddie and Lexi let go of the balloons for Jake!!

Goodbye Balloons!

Maddie walked with Grandma Dennison the whole way! They are good buddies!!

Afterwards they had lots of activities and fun things to do. The kids had a great time!

Friend Olivia, Lexi, and cousin Addie

Maddie and Cousin Savanna

Good friends, Tanisha and Coleman

Lexi and her beautiful Heart Flower

Thanks to all who came to support us and walk for our baby Jake!! Also, thanks to all who bought shirts as well!! We love you all! We have the best friends and family around! Thank you!!